I've been thinking about this lately, and one of the comments on Hansel and Gretel reminded me of it.  Now, I know my friend Bev left this comment, because she is the only person who knows me who doesn't know how to leave her name in there some where.  I swear we are going to take care of that sometime soon. :)  I also know that she already understands what I'm going to say here -- so this isn't about her comment at all, really.  It just reminded me.

One of the problems of being adopted, like many other unusual family arrangements these days, is the question of who is my "real" mom or dad.  Let me be clear about this.  If one must apply such a label (and sometimes you must) -- the person who does the job gets the title.  My adoptive parents didn't do a very good job, in my own estimation, but they are still the ones who attempted the hard work of parenting.  Having both given birth to children and raised them, there is no doubt in my mind that the raising part is much more important -- and a million times more difficult. 

But what is better, is to get past these labels altogether.  (Ew, that sounds an awful lot like some PC argument -- I swear that's not where I'm going.)  Perhaps because my life has been, in many ways, rather odd, I've learned to avoid labeling people in my life, or my relationships with those people.  My birth parents are wonderful people, with whom I have a warm relationship that has now gone on for over two decades.  They aren't, in the sense that matters, my parents at all.  But they have done many things for me, and my sons, over the years that are the kinds of things parents do.  I don't quite know what label to put on that relationship.

Who is my "real" sister?  The sister I grew up with -- who shares that common history?  The two women who share the same birth parents as me?  Or Bev, who has been my closest friend for more years than I'd like to admit, and who knows me better than anyone, ever?  (And is still my friend anyway.)

I think it doesn't much matter.  I think that people come into your life, and they play a role.  Labeling the role -- sibling, parent, friend, grandma, uncle, neighbor, lover, teacher -- isn't always useful.  These are all categories that many relationships don't completely fit.  Or they overlap.  Or they change.

If adoptive parents could see things this way, they might be less nervous about their children's interest in their birth parents.  I never sought my birth mother as a replacement for my adoptive mother.  And she has not been a replacement.  To suggest that she is some kind of substitute -- would be unfair to both of them, really. 

Each person that you are close to, each person who brings new experience or wisdom or feeling into your life, good or bad -- they are just themselves.  And that relationship is, whatever it is.  If it doesn't fit neatly into a category, that doesn't have anything to do with its value.